It turns out the revolution WAS televised.

Hi friends. Do you like to dance? I sure do. A few years back I decided I liked dancing so much that I was going to make an attempt to learn how to do it properly. Since I didn’t really have the funds back then to afford taking an actual dance class, I opted instead to rent an instructional video from my local public library. With all the different types of dance in the world, I struggled in making a decision about what was to be my niche on the dance floor. Did I have the grace to do ballroom? The endurance to give tap a go? Enough appreciation for jazz to try jazz? I was unsure of all of these things. All I knew was that the style of dance I had become accustomed to (boozy interpretive) was not working for me anymore, and a change needed to be made. 

And then, I stumbled across this:

 

That’s right. Christy Lane’s Learn The Dances Of The 80’s.
It was like heaven for me, and she was Jesus in a jean vest. Once I accepted her into my life, she graciously guiding me how to forgive my stiff joints, save myself from rug burn and make a running man out of a nearly immobile woman. Clarity had been reached, or at least it had been rented for three short weeks.

In an effort to get my hands back on this piece of VHS mecca permanently, I recently started doing some research on Miss Christy Lane. During this process, I found out that she is not, as I had thought, an 80’s dance purist; but rather has her toes dipped in several styles of bodily expression. It is here that I’d like to share with you a few of my findings, as well as an opinion or two.

First off, we have :

 
 

Christy Lane’s Learn The Dances Of The 50’s And 60’s. Simple enough. I’m not really sure what that miniature version of her is doing in the upper left corner, but whatever. She’s happy and he’s got his pants rolled. Worse marketing mistakes have surely been made.

It’s here where things start getting a little weird:

 
 

Christy Lane’s Surviving The Country Dance Floor. From the looks of this I’d think that all I’d need to survive on a country dance floor is a big hat and a little bit of sodomy. Both of which I’d be perfectly willing to invite into my life if it meant survival, unfortunately we all know that more is required on a country dance floor. Unless that dude is Christy’s cousin. If that’s the case, then yes, all bases are covered.

And here we have what I’d like to call a mid-life crisis:
 

 

Christy Lane’s Funky Freestyle. It may as well have been called Christy Lane’s Cherry Red Convertible And Oral Sex With A Married Co-Worker Whose Wife Doesn’t Appreciate The Fact That The Reason He’s At Work All The Time Is To Secure Their Children’s Future - And For The Record SHE Was The One Who Wanted To Have Kids So Soon In The First Place (He Wanted To Travel For Awhile). Although I suppose they’d have trouble fitting all that on the cover.
 
And then there’s this:

 
 

Christy Lane’s African & Caribbean Dancing. I don’t get it. That’s not even her on the cover. Is she even in the video? I can’t imagine she’d put her name on a product and allow someone else to do all the artwork. That’s not her style. Perhaps she couldn’t find a sweet belt to match her traditional African garb. Or perhaps her advertising executive came to work sober one day.

 

 

The thing about sobriety is that it rarely sticks:

 

 

 
 

Christy Lane’s Complete Guide to Line Dancing. I’ve apparently been watching incomplete line dancing routines, as I’ve never seen anyone go spread eagle in unison with others to the tune of Achy Breaky Heart. I know, I don’t understand why she’s not more popular either.